Last night I had a break down; thank God my ex had them because I didn’t want them to see me like I was. I didn’t feel sorry for myself, I felt sorry for my children.
I’ve heard stories of people rising from bad times and I never thought I’d be one of those people until I looked at my bank account that morning and saw that I only had $4.67 left and still had a week left until I got paid again. That moment my heart broke, then sank. Writing about it now just kills me.
I like to think that I am a good person, one that wants to give back to others, make people happy and just try to live a happy life as much as possible. Everything I do is either for my children or for others so why is this happening? I’ve always been an independent person, I knew that when my ex and I had separated that it would be hard but maybe I underestimated it. Maybe I should ask him to give me the full child support he is required to by law, but I know he struggles financially so I take the hit, then this happens.
I feel like I am failing my children. Although no matter how hard it is on me, they will always have food in their bellies. I will do whatever I have to do to ensure that but when I saw that $4.67 in my bank account, I felt like a fool. How could this happen? What if my children needed something urgently and I didn’t have the money to pay for it.
I walk out to my balcony and look up at the stars; the stars are my peace. I long for the day where I can go to a quiet, dark place to look at the stars, the ones that are so bright and seem so close that you can almost touch them. When I think of that, I find peace…and feeding chipmunks! As I look at the few stars that I could see, I look below and find myself contemplating on whether or not I should just lean over a bit more, a bit more, a bit more then at the end, I’d see myself laying on the ground, soulless.
The situation to many may not seem like not that big of a deal but to add to the financial stresses, I have PTSD from a fairly traumatic childhood event so when the bad things are around me, all the other bad things come back to haunt me and I get stricken with fear, anger and anxiety.
Then my children pop into the forefront of my mind and I look back up at the stars. I can’t leave them. I go back into my apartment and sleep.
I woke up this morning still feeling defeated.
I lay on the couch staring up onto my ceiling remembering my thoughts of last night. One of the biggest fears of mine is leaving my children motherless. Just because I am struggling doesn’t give me the right to be selfish and leave my kids without a mother just because I couldn’t deal with it. Sure it’s hard, sure I cry and struggle and get mad and everything else under the sun that life gives you that isn’t fair, but I am here for a reason. I still search for that reason but I know it’s out there.
I have to make a change, I just need to get up, dust myself off and figure it out.
Sprinkles of Kindness was something I started back a couple of years ago; it’s like another one of my babies but it’s unfortunate that I can’t seem to get it off the ground. Of course I’ve done some really good things from it but I want it to succeed to help others. No sponsors, no donators, very few volunteers. It’s sad and a struggle but I feel like I have to keep going with it. The purpose of this life for me is to help people….even if that means I struggle, I need to find out how “helping people” even if I struggle. But how….
I guess this just adds to the frustration and confusion of everything else that’s going on.
Everything happens for a reason, I just wish this would end really soon.